Barry Wins Back My Heart

I’m sorry– I don’t care if you’re liberal, conservative, moderate, or completely have your head up your ass when it comes to politics.  Last night’s State of the Union address was FANTASTIC.  Barry was fierce, and he restored my confidence in his ability to regain traction and become the strong leader he promised us he would be.

First of all, before I get into the speech, I hate to be so generic as to discuss Michelle’s wardrobe (since she’s obviously a brilliant woman in many other regards), but she really looked stunning last night.  And I always find it fascinating how strategic the First Lady’s wardrobe has to be for events like this– Barry is gunning for bipartisanship, so Michelle wears deep purple, a combination of the liberal and conservative signature colors.  How cool is that?

Be still my heart.

Now, moving on from last night’s wardrobe decisions, I really respected the way the President stood up on that pulpit and basically said, “Hey.  I know you guys are frustrated, I know you haven’t seen the change you were hoping to see in the first year of my presidency, but before you start judging my ability to lead this country, let me remind you about the shitty hand I was dealt.  We were in the middle of two wars, neck deep in debt, and on the verge of the second Great Depression when I was sworn into office.  Here’s what I’ve done about it already, and here’s what I’m planning to do this year– and guess what?  If Congress continues to act up like the little immature bitches they are, both Dems. and Repubs., I’m going to exercise my veto power until they get it right.  By the way, Congress, you better have a jobs bill on my desk by next Friday or I’m going to use my biting rhetoric to make sure NONE of you get re-elected, you self-serving, incompetent twits.”

Perhaps my favorite part of the speech was when he began his statement, “With all due respect to the separation of powers,” and then proceeded to rip the Supreme Court new a**holes for the heinously idiotic decision they made last week allowing corporations to use their money to tip elections.  Conservative Justice Alito, who is supposed to sit there serenely without clapping or reacting at all, is so incensed at having been scolded by the President that he breaks character and mouths “That’s not true.”  Classic footage:

My second favorite part of the speech was when Obama calls for the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the military, and the whole room stands up except for the patch of Joint Chiefs of Staff in their military uniforms in the front row, who sit silently and solemnly amid the applause.  Nooo, not the gays! Equal rights are for pussies!

All in all, I thought the speech was a smashing success, and I think it won over a lot of people.  My only hope is that he follows up on his promises, really focuses on jobs and the economy this year and enacts all the brilliant alternative energy plans he mentioned.  Give him a chance, you guys, I really do think he’s the first president we’ve had in a while who really gets it, and who really means what he says.

What did you guys think of the speech?  A solid turning point, more useless rhetoric, or somewhere in between?

Spoke Too Soon.

9.  My neighborhood has a random El Salvadorian gang problem, which gives me mad street cred.

Scratch that off the list. My car got broken into last night– window smashed in, radio stolen. I’m not saying it was an El Salvadorian— I’m just saying, shitty neighborhoods are not all they’re cracked up to be.  I have glass lodged in my butt cheeks from trying to drive my car to the local auto repair shop without getting all the shards off the seat, and I’m pretty sure that somebody somewhere is rolling on the floor laughing at the irony of my car getting broken into the day after I post a “10 Reasons Why I Love D.C.” blog.

Screw you D.C., that’s the last time I ever say a nice thing about you.

In other news, some genius other than me at the Huffington Post came up with a fantastic SOTU drinking game, and I’m kicking myself for not having beat him to the punch:

Huffington Post State of the Union Address Drinking Game

Enjoy!

Top 10 Reasons I Love D.C.

10.  I can’t walk from the bus to work in the morning without getting caught up in a big, chanting protest about something.

9.  My neighborhood has a random El Salvadorian gang problem, which gives me mad street cred.

8.  At least a third of the people who live here came to make some sort of difference in the world.

7. I got into a discussion about the recent controversial Supreme Court decision with my Starbucks barista this morning. What?  He started it.

6. Every day, I find myself one step closer to my dream of playing fetch with the First Pup.

5. Ben’s Chili Bowl

4. I love the adrenaline rush I get from working next door to the biggest terrorist target in the world.

3. Hollywood celebrities flock here, dust off their Versace suits and pretend like they care about “issues.” Haha.

2. I love being within short driving distance of tubing in West Virginia, Charlottesville and the beautiful Blue Ridge mountains, fishing in Annapolis, trying not to get killed in Baltimore, Philly steak and cheese sandwiches and picnics in Central Park.

1. The one task my boss gave me for this entire week was to come up with a drinking game for tomorrow night’s State of the Union Address.

I love you, D.C., thanks for being my new home.

WHO DAT?!

I remember when I was a wee teenager, and the Saints were so bad that they were the butt of all our jokes.

“Dad, can I have a car?”

“Sure… when the Saints win the Superbowl! BAHAHAHA!”

I remember when my grandmother, sitting in her 50-yard-line Superdome seats dressed head to toe in black and gold, shouted angrily at the Saints’ coach: “What are you, free-basing Prozac?!?!?” (To this day no one knows what she meant by that, but I’m pretty sure Reggie Bush’s parents, who were sitting directly behind her, got a huge kick out of it.)

For all my life, the Saints were affectionately known to most Louisianians as the “Ain’ts.” But as of last night, our luck has changed.  Put on your Sunday Best kids, THE SAINTS ARE GOIN TO THE SUPERBOWL!

My dad cried, Brett Favre limped off the field with his tail between his legs, and the city of New Orleans consumed more whiskey in one night than the whole nation consumed in 2009.  I don’t even want to think about what’s gonna go down if they actually win the Superbowl– but that’s a post for another day (fingers crossed.)

So, in honor of last night’s huge win against the Vikings, I’m going to give you all the secret to the easiest, most delicious queso dip you will ever scoop up with your chip:

LB's World Famous Ro-tell Dip

What you’ll need:

1 lb Velveeta cheese

1 can Ro-tell (diced tomatoes with green peppers)

1 microwaveable bowl

Directions:

Cut Velveeta block into manageable cubes. Put them in the bowl.  Dump in Ro-tell tomatoes, juice and all.  Microwave a minute and a half, stir, repeat, until the diced tomatoes are evenly distributed and the cheese is fully melted.

Serve and enjoy.

Heidi Montag: A Modern Frankenstein!

Heidi Montag, star of MTV’s “The Hills,” before:

Heidi Montag now, after having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one sitting:

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this lady may look 35, but she is actually 23 years old.  Shocking, I know.  This is the stuff science fiction movies are made of.

In case you can’t watch the video, which I HIGHLY recommend, here are some of the highlights:

-Heidi says her new boobs are “triple D’s or F’s, pretty much,” but she really wanted an “H, for Heidi”

-She details her creepy procedures, including having her ears pinned back and sewed to her head “because I couldn’t wear my hair up ever on the red carpet,” having the bones of her jaw sawed down, and having the muscles of her back and her spine carved out for a “curvier look”

-When asked to move her face, she can’t

-She says her ordeal was a “spiritual transformation” more than anything, because she “almost died…like Michael Jackson did” (she also told another interviewer that her main message to teen girls is that “Beauty is on the inside,” but she said it with a lisp because she was still getting used to moving her jaw. haha.)

-She explains how plastic surgery is a blessing to mankind and says, “If Cleopatra were alive now, I’m sure she’d have triple D’s and all the works done like a lot of people I know”

Errrrr… Actually, if Cleopatra were alive now, she would probably release a poisonous snake on your big plastic boob.

That poor girl.  She looks like she needs a hug.