Halloween tries really hard to spook people with its skeletons, zombies and pedophiles, but what I find most spooky about Halloween is the brief, 4-hour glimpse of how “sexy” the women in America would be if they weren’t repressed every other day by social and behavioral norms.
Imagine with me, for a second, what life would be like if every day was a “costume” day. Women would get up in the morning and think to themselves, “Ok, I have a meeting at 8 am. Should I go as a sexy cowgirl or a sexy Pocahontas?” They’d wear a sequined bra and short skirt with 7-inch high heels and glue on fake eyelashes, and no one could call them a hussy because hey, it’s a costume, people.
Men would continue to dress like themselves, except they’d put an ironic or “punny” spin on it. Your boss would wear jeans and a sweatshirt with block iron-on letters that said “Go Ceilings!” and then take offense when no one got the ceiling fan joke, when really, everyone got the ceiling fan joke, we’ve just seen it before.
The man at the dry-cleaners would wear all white with a devil-horn headband and call himself a deviled egg, and you would just hand him your laundry without breaking his stare and explain that this stain on the left boob of the sequined bra of your sexy Statue of Liberty costume is actually grey body paint, in case he needs to know for cleaning purposes. Also could you have it back by the end of the week? Because Friday is the 4th of July, and that costume will be worn again.
Sexy and ironic costumes have so become the norm on Halloween that they have actually ceased to be sexy or ironic. One Halloween in college I made the mistake of dressing up as a pumpkin. No, not a sexy pumpkin– a serious pumpkin. I bought a big, round pumpkin costume from Wal-mart, complete with the green stem hat and green tights. I showed up at a frat party in my rotund orange suit thinking surely I’d be the most ironic person in the place, because really, what college girl actually dresses as a pumpkin for Halloween? But everyone at the party– the men all dressed as Spongebob Squarepants and the women in unidentifiable, themed stripper garb– stopped and looked at me with sad, disappointed eyes like I was the Grinch Who Stole Halloween.
I shouted, “WHAT!? I’m more ironic and sexy than all of you Spongebob Stripper-Pants Creeps!” And then the music started again, and I sulked out of the party like the smelly kid at school.
I have a feeling Halloween 2009 will be the creepiest of all. We’ll see a slew of Sexy Public Options, Sexy Swine Flus, Sexy Aborted Fetuses and Sexy Stephanie Tanners on meth. Honestly, I can’t think of anything more frightening than a sexy Stephanie Tanner on meth.
**Sigh** Time to pull the old pumpkin costume out of the mothballs.