2nd Annual Mermaid Haiku Competition

6 11 2009

At the ripe age of nine, I was a burgeoning young artist.  Children from neighboring hoods would gather round to watch me wield those crayola markers, and no one ever left disappointed.

Every legendary artist has a signature subject.  Monet was famous for his lilypads, Degas for his ballerinas, and I for my sexually suggestive mermaids: 


Each year around this time I hold a Mermaid Penis Haiku competition to recognize the person who can best capture the essence of this masterpiece in exactly 17 syllables.  For those of you who aren’t familiar, a Haiku must be structured as follows, with one line of 5 syllables, one line of 7 syllables, then another line of 5 syllables:

Because of her balls

Which do not flap like fins do

She sunk like a stone


(early winner by Meredith H.)

I challenge you all to be creative within the confines of this rigid poetic structure.  The winner receives a shoutout on Monday’s blog and my friendship for life. 

Competition begins now and lasts until midnight on Sunday.  Entries should be posted in the comment section, and you can submit as many as you like.

Ready, GO! 




42 responses

6 11 2009

A pop culture haiku, where each line is derived from a song or tv show:

Up top two bee stings
Kim’s red wig mermaid debut
Bull’s balls down below

Run This Town (Kanye’s verse); Real Housewives of Atlanta (Kim’s wigs); Top Chef (Padma admits to eating bull’s testicles)

6 11 2009

The one armed mermaid
Long hair, small breasts and big balls
She cannot get laid

6 11 2009

Deep beneath the sea

A one eyed monster shall be


6 11 2009

Damnit – 6 syllables…

6 11 2009


6 11 2009

coin purse hanging down
this mermaid shall never frown
awesome secret sack

6 11 2009
Taylor's former friend

Ariel She’s Not

Small “shells” and balls she has got

red hair, a whole lot

6 11 2009

Haha– the rhyming haiku! An interesting spin on the classic.

6 11 2009

What’s that poking me?
Your fin, your shells? Your…boner?
It’s a Mer-man, man.

6 11 2009

From the auburn locks
Tiny pearls burst the young oyster
whilst her sack hangs low

6 11 2009
Geof Boyle

So sexy was she
Rockin’ bod of scale and skin
Big balls became blue

6 11 2009

Amputee Mermaid
Who Philanders All Alone
Seeks A Helping Hand

6 11 2009

shaft scaly and dry
keep away from fishy slut
hurts to touch and pee

6 11 2009

genital mermaid
your siren song calls crabs close
or is it scabies?

6 11 2009

on another note,
what are those things on the ground?
clams, nipples, or fish?

6 11 2009
Jayne Yomamasfriend

With flowing red hair,
And a tail that was leaner
She grew a weiner.

6 11 2009

Kudos for that one, Jayne Yomamasfriend!!!

6 11 2009

Belly button lint,
floating oreo cookies,
Can i get a lick?

6 11 2009
bayou self

Innocent artist…

What a lovely mermaid here!

Years later a shim?

6 11 2009

wake up, sea-penis.
your long tail is revealing
a pair of old friends.

6 11 2009

The mermaid hurts not
As others point and giggle
Ahh..penis envy

6 11 2009

I vote for Taylor. Good entries by all. As my friends will corroborate, I cannot write haikus. Syllables…ahhhhhhh!

6 11 2009

I vote for CB

6 11 2009

I still remember
You hung in our home’s hallway
not hanging at all.

6 11 2009

half maid, half fish cock
so lonely in your freakdom
cock a doodle don’t

6 11 2009
Geof Boyle

cock a doodle don’t…i love it

8 11 2009

i like

6 11 2009

Is that seaweed or,
are you happy to sea me?
Nope, it is a cock.

6 11 2009
Geof Boyle

balls of blue version two

no penis to stroke
when watching ships of seamen
makes her balls turn blue

6 11 2009
Jayne Yomamasfreind

COCK A DOODLE DONT—hahahahaha : Ima steal that as my new phrase

7 11 2009

First time I’ve ever laughed until crying reading blog comments

7 11 2009


Doesn’t describe those scaly balls

Undersea, she’s fucked

8 11 2009

The sea feminist
tired of the octopus
had to grow a pair.

8 11 2009

Long hair ruby lips
our Venus sports a penis
Merman or Mermaid ??

8 11 2009

the best of both worlds
breasts and phallus complement
festooned, eyes downcast.

rubicund mer-thing
mighty hermaphrodite(y)
puts loch ness to shame.

8 11 2009

wondrous she-boner
you have no arms and I ask:
how you scratch your balls?

8 11 2009

she does too have an arm! how can you miss it, it’s neon orange!

8 11 2009
Nard Dawg

Her tailfin’s scrotum,

Barnacled, conspicuous,

Turned off sailor dudes.

8 11 2009
Louis David

Holla bean
This is my haiku

8 11 2009

here are two:

Yellow semen arm
From which dangle balls so green
Sleep well red-haired wang

Phallus and Gold Spunk
I paint my Subconscious angst
Red muff, nay, green balls

18 02 2010
Bad Poetry Competition « District Ramblings

[…] this mock poem in the comment section, so I have decided to hold a competition, akin to the annual Mermaid Haiku competition, in which contestants can post an awesomely bad love poem in the comment section as a tribute to […]

8 03 2010

sunglasses on tits ?
has our mermaid lost her wits?
needs “sea”ing eye dog.

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