The results of Friday’s Mermaid Haiku Competition are in!
To me, this painting is like an ink-blot test. You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she responds to it, the things he or she notices.
For instance, many of the male contestants were clearly distressed over the fact that this large member was wasted on a woman with one stumpy arm. “How will she scratch her balls?”, Luke’s haiku asks. In Geof’s haiku, her “big balls became blue,” and Arinjed worries that the poor mermaid “seeks a helping hand.”
Bros and Mikey were less worried about the mermaid’s blue-balls than her apparent STDs. Mikey warns us to “keep away from fishy slut” because her tail “hurts to touch and pee,” while Bros accuses her of seducing crabs and scabies with her “siren song.”
Some haikus were full of rich, artistic imagery (rockymntnhigh and Andrew come to mind), while others took a more direct approach (Vjane: “Our venus sports a penis!”)
Then there was Aimzwaimz, who was far more interested in the minute details of the painting (“floating oreo cookies,” “belly-button lint”) than the glaring appendage.
At least 2 contestants violated the syllable restrictions and were thus disqualified, and one haiku had to be censored for inappropriate content (I had to draw the line somewhere).
The entries were so numerous and high-quality that it would be impossible to choose just one, so I’m gonna do it pageant style, with 3 runners-up and an overall champion. I mostly judged these based originality and humor– only the ones that made me laugh out loud squeezed into the top 4. So without further ado, I present the 2009 Mermaid Haiku winners:
3rd Runner up:
The sea feminist
tired of the octopus
had to grow a pair.
2nd Runner up:
wake up, sea-penis.
your long tail is revealing
a pair of old friends.
1st Runner up:
Her tailfin’s scrotum,
Turned off sailor dudes.
(by Nard Dawg)
half maid, half fish-cock
so lonely in your freakdom
cock a doodle don’t.
Thanks for playing, you guys are all borderline genius. Until next year…