Why Winter Makes Me Want to Kill Myself

8 01 2010

Me in 10 Years

A Typical January Day:

11:30 pm- Go to bed in a full sweatsuit– heavy socks, sweatpants, sweatshirt, the whole shebang.

3:00 am- Wake up sweating under 12 blankets and angrily peel off socks and sweatsuit.

7:38 am- Alarm goes off across the room (strategic).  It’s about 7 degrees in my room despite our alleged “central heating”, so I dive back under the covers, put sweatsuit back on and shiver for 9 minutes until the alarm goes off again.

7:47 am- Alarm goes off again. I begin to threaten myself with consequences– “If you don’t get out of bed now you will not be going out this weekend.” Doesn’t work.

8:05 am- Finally get out of bed.  Put on 18 layers of clothes, including tights, jeans, socks, boots, Northface hat, extra long scarf, fleece jacket…. GOD DAMMIT, WHERE ARE MY GLOVES?!

8:10 am- Leave the house all bundled up, except for my gloves, which I must have left in the car.

8:20 am- See the bus I’m supposed to be on drive by while I’m in line for coffee. Shit.

8:25 am- Walk a mile to metro with snow pelting me in the face, occasionally slipping due to the wrong kind of boots, switching the coffee cup back and forth between my bare, freezing hands so that each of them has a fair turn in my coat pocket.

8:35 am- Arrive at metro station.  Coffee and hands are painfully cold, torso and head are hot and sweaty. This has to defy physics, or something.

8:55 am- Stroll into the office, exasperated and looking like I just came from the gym.  Peel off sweaty layers with numb hands, use Northface hat to wipe sweat off brow in the absence of a tissue.  People are looking at me.

8:57 am- Electrocute my finger on the metal doorhandle of the bathroom, AGAIN.

8:59 am- Microwave the remainder of my soy latte, even though it makes it taste kinda bad.

9:00 am- The workday officially…begins???

9:01 am- Consider strangling myself with my computer’s power cord.

Bostoners, Chicagoers- how do you do it every year?!  Am I missing something?

Winter SUCKS.

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13 responses

8 01 2010
bros

im kind of insulted you didnt ask alaskans how they do it. boston, chicago. pppfffft. although, thanks for posting a picture of my ex next door neighbor.

i think you need to switch to a diet of salmon and crisco, perhaps some whale blubber. also, firewater. you wont feel anything.

8 01 2010
Sara

i thought i was the only one with a sweating problem in the winter. god bless this:

8:25 am- Arrive at metro station. Coffee and hands are painfully cold, torso and head are hot and sweaty. This has to defy physics, or something.

8:45 am- Stroll into the office, exasperated and looking like I just came from the gym. Peel off sweaty layers with numb hands, use Northface hat to wipe sweat off brow in the absence of a tissue. People are looking at me.

8 01 2010
graber

11:30 am – wake up.
12:00 pm – afternoon nap.
12:3o pm – read blogs.
12:35 pm – go outside where its 70 degrees currently and read book.

8 01 2010
Jordan

This one deserves the Pulitzer or something. Spot on. I couldn’t stop laughing. Bravo.

8 01 2010
Geof

this has been an unusually cold winter so far, about ten degrees colder, and windy. what amazes me is the little birds and squirrels running around with no clothes on. we’d all be dead winthin hours if we tried that. of course, humans are tropical animals after all.
did anyone see the survivor man where Les turns a rabbit inside out and calls it a sock?

8 01 2010
bros

no but i like that idea. i did, however, just watch bear grylls give himself an enema on a raft in the pacific. and he slept in a hollowed out camel.

8 01 2010
Geof

wow, i’ve read about enemas as a means of using otherwise unpalatable water, but he actually did it? i’m impressed.
when that show survivor first came out ten years ago, i was expecting something like these types of shows. i can’t express how annoyed i was with the actual show.

8 01 2010
Liz

Tip 1: Raincoat/windbreaker under/over jacket. Helps with the biting wind.
Tip 2: When you take your sweatsuit off at 3 AM, keep it under your covers so you can put it back on when you have to get up.
Tip 3: Always pee before you go to bed, even if you don’t really have to go.

8 01 2010
Milly

I’d add Tip 4, this one may sting a little, :cuddle.

8 01 2010
bros

this is for you geof. learn it.

8 01 2010
Vjane

bros – you have made my day !! The next time I travel somewhere that I will be sailing – I will be sure to take the enema equipment with me just in case we are shipwrecked and stranded in a life boat. I wonder, tho, if I could get through airport secutity with the enema equipment. Would they believe me if I told them what it is for ???But if we all are required to go through naked, it would be easy to demonstrate for them.

8 01 2010
Vjane

graber – where are you that it is 70degrees outside ??? May I join you ??? That is if I am awake at 12:35PM.

9 01 2010
graber

florida! but its raining today so i think i’ll head back to dc.

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