Free as the Winds and the Dolphins

16 02 2010

For the record, if I were a D-list celebrity, I would not write the following Valentines Day poem to my husband and post it to my Facebook and Twitter accounts for the world to read:

Um, wow.  Thanks….. for sharing?

I read in an article on Jezebel that Heidi had actually written this, but I needed to see for myself, so I visited her Facebook and Twitter pages to confirm.  Sure enough, she posted the poem for all of her 88,058 Facebook “fans” and over a million Twitter followers to read.

Here’s why this is interesting to me, because I’m sure many of you are wondering: I’m a writer.  I write this blog, I have a twitter account, and I also write for a high-traffic website.  Every time I post something that I know a number of people are going to read, whether it’s a 20-character tweet or a 3-page investigative article, I agonize over it before making it public.  Are there any spelling or grammar errors?  Is this going to be funny or interesting to anyone besides myself?  Do I come off as a huge douchebag? Dumb?  Dull?  Racist?  Is there a better adjective I could have used right there?

But Heidi, whose inexplicable celebrity grows by the day, seems to have no qualms about publicly posting the worst, most profoundly terrible love poem I’ve ever read in my life without even proofreading it.  Her husband’s name is “Spencer,” not “Specer.”  Did she really not even glance over this poem before posting it to Facebook and Twitter?

I guess what’s most confusing to me is the fact that she obviously cares enormously about public opinion– she paid tens of thousands of dollars to have some doctor butcher her into the ultimate Playboy bunny to boost her album sales– but where is that intense self-doubt when she really needs it?

Also, isn’t it a little strange how she comes off in this poem as the most pious, God-fearing Quaker bohemian that ever existed?  “We are as free as the winds and the dolphins.”  No, you’re not– you just had your ears surgically pinned back and your back muscles carved out.  You are not exactly the Statue of Liberty, you delusional quack.

I mean, if Heidi Montag wants to embark on a new career as a poet, far be it for me to discourage her.  I guess it’s just kind of fascinating from an anthropological standpoint.  There are people in the world that have a little bit too much shame and self-respect to post weird, personal love poems to the internet without proofreading them, and then there are people like Heidi Montag.

“With your arm around me we are buckled in for the flight.”  Well make up your mind Heidi, are you free like the winds and the dolphins, or are you buckled into a metaphorical airplane seat next to your domineering husband?

I can’t talk about this anymore, I’m going to break out in hives.




7 responses

16 02 2010


on this day of godly wholy days
when my wings are spread and my seat belt fastened
i write to you to thakn you for stratign my life when we met.

your writing is like the dolphins,
who swim thruogh my blood like a…

my heart goes around and around
a washing machine inside me
like the one i have never seen in my hous

i miss you.
together, we are God’s chosen ones.
mighty and holy and hornier every day.

you, and god, are super cool.
xoxo, heidi

16 02 2010

Kudos, Berlin. Truly excellent. Typos, ridiculous similies, and a stab at her inability to do a single household chore for fear of tripping, landing on her face, and sending ten lbs of Botox into the back of her air-filled head.

16 02 2010

Poor, dumb Heidi. Her development as a human has been irrevocably altered by her fame. At first, I thought stunted, but that would presuppose only one possible developmental path. There are many, so altered is the right word. Hollywood, and I suppose other machines of celebrity production, creates these doppelgangers we like to look at and poke. Heidi has confused herself with her doppelganger. The doppel revels and basks in the attention, but inevitably will squirm and it can hurt the person if they don’t know about the doppel. Some persons will do something ridiculous like Scientology or Kabbalah. Already fit ladies will lose 25 lbs of curves and/or have heinous plastic surgery. The religious converts at least feel that its something inside that needs a reconciliation, but the dumbest have such a dim view of their inside they think its the outside that matters. I’m definitely not a dualist, but I like this idea of doppelganger and who possesses it. And I would say that private doppels are easier to manage than public doppels, since we are such social beings. If you can tell the difference between you and your doppel(s), give them free reign. If you can’t, hopefully they will stay close on their own. I made all this up. I wonder what death bear would think?

16 02 2010


you are funny

16 02 2010

Give Heidi some credit – she surprisingly didn’t use any emoticons…

16 02 2010

she had me at ‘infinitely forever.’

18 02 2010
Bad Poetry Competition « District Ramblings

[…] Poetry Competition 18 02 2010 Many of you saw my post a couple days ago about Heidi Montag’s awesomely bad Valentine’s Day poem to her […]

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