For the record, if I were a D-list celebrity, I would not write the following Valentines Day poem to my husband and post it to my Facebook and Twitter accounts for the world to read:
Um, wow. Thanks….. for sharing?
I read in an article on Jezebel that Heidi had actually written this, but I needed to see for myself, so I visited her Facebook and Twitter pages to confirm. Sure enough, she posted the poem for all of her 88,058 Facebook “fans” and over a million Twitter followers to read.
Here’s why this is interesting to me, because I’m sure many of you are wondering: I’m a writer. I write this blog, I have a twitter account, and I also write for a high-traffic website. Every time I post something that I know a number of people are going to read, whether it’s a 20-character tweet or a 3-page investigative article, I agonize over it before making it public. Are there any spelling or grammar errors? Is this going to be funny or interesting to anyone besides myself? Do I come off as a huge douchebag? Dumb? Dull? Racist? Is there a better adjective I could have used right there?
But Heidi, whose inexplicable celebrity grows by the day, seems to have no qualms about publicly posting the worst, most profoundly terrible love poem I’ve ever read in my life without even proofreading it. Her husband’s name is “Spencer,” not “Specer.” Did she really not even glance over this poem before posting it to Facebook and Twitter?
I guess what’s most confusing to me is the fact that she obviously cares enormously about public opinion– she paid tens of thousands of dollars to have some doctor butcher her into the ultimate Playboy bunny to boost her album sales– but where is that intense self-doubt when she really needs it?
Also, isn’t it a little strange how she comes off in this poem as the most pious, God-fearing Quaker bohemian that ever existed? “We are as free as the winds and the dolphins.” No, you’re not– you just had your ears surgically pinned back and your back muscles carved out. You are not exactly the Statue of Liberty, you delusional quack.
I mean, if Heidi Montag wants to embark on a new career as a poet, far be it for me to discourage her. I guess it’s just kind of fascinating from an anthropological standpoint. There are people in the world that have a little bit too much shame and self-respect to post weird, personal love poems to the internet without proofreading them, and then there are people like Heidi Montag.
“With your arm around me we are buckled in for the flight.” Well make up your mind Heidi, are you free like the winds and the dolphins, or are you buckled into a metaphorical airplane seat next to your domineering husband?
I can’t talk about this anymore, I’m going to break out in hives.