I never could stand Fleetwood Mac. The fact that they had like 8,126 major hits over the span of their career really boggles my mind.
Normally, as soon as I hear the first few bars of a Fleetwood song on the radio, my hand automatically changes the station. But a couple days ago, both my hands were busy holding the wheel and texting (just kidding Mom. but seriously, I was holding the wheel and trying to eat an egg sandwich), and I was forced to listen to that God-awful Fleetwood song, “Dreams.” You know the one– the chorus goes like this:
Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Players only love you when they’re playing
They say, women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know
You will know
Seriously… what the f*ck does this mean? First of all, its main premise is not even true. Sometimes thunder happens when it’s not raining. In fact, thunder often happens before it rains. I mean, you could argue that it’s always raining somewhere, but then that line would just be stupid because everything technically happens when it’s raining somewhere.
Secondly, the thunder/rain analogy has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with the second line about players only loving you when they’re playing. They were clearly just trying to make a rhyme. You could just as easily open the chorus with “Athletes don’t drink liquor when they’re training,” or “Good poops only happen when you’re straining,” and the song would not lose any of its meaning.
I got so angry listening to this song that I decided to write a post about the absolute dumbest lyrics of the past century. Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” gets the number one spot, because the song just grates on my nerves so much. But here are a few other idiotic, meaningless lyrics that I wish had not been hits:
Elton John- “Your Song”
If I was a sculptor…/But then again, no.
Are you schizophrenic, Elton? You’re a sculptor if you sculpt things. This is not rocket science.
Rolling Stones- “Sweethearts Together”
We’ve only just begun
We’ll take life as it comes
Two hearts together as one
Did you hear that sound? It was me vomiting all over my black leather pumps. I love the Stones more than just about anyone, but this song is like every bad love lyric all mashed into one hideous conglomeration of crap.
Who’s in bunker, who’s in bunker
I’ve seen too much
I haven’t seen enough
You haven’t seen enough
I’ll laugh until my head comes off
Women and children first
And children first
I’m sure I’ll take heat for this one, since Radiohead is all but immortal, but come on. “Who’s in bunker?” These lyrics prove that even Thom Yorke is not immune to mistakes.
Bob Dylan- “Forever Young”
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
Ew, when did Bob Dylan turn into a Beatitude? This song is mushier than a 3-month-old banana. NEXT.
Three Dog Night- “One”
One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one
No is the saddest experience you’ll ever know
Yes, it’s the saddest experience you’ll ever know
`Cause one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
One is the loneliest number, worse than two
So wait, let me get this straight. Being alone makes you feel lonely? I’m sorry Three Dog Night, you did some good stuff in your day, but this song is embarrassing. It’s like Dr. Seuss for depressed toddlers.
Mims- “This is Why I’m Hot”
I’m hot cause I’m fly (fly)
You ain’t cause you not (Mims)
This is why
This is why I’m hot [2x]
This is why I’m hot
Catch me on the block
Every other day
Another bitch another drop
16 bars, 24 pop
44 songs, nigga gimme what you got
I’m in there driving cars
Push ’em off the lot
I’m into shutting stores down so I can shop
If you need a bird I can get it chopped
Tell me what you need you know I get ’em by the flock
How many one-syllable words can you think of that contain the short “O” vowel sound? I’m pretty sure Mims thought of them all. Why? Because he wanted to tell you why he’s hot, but the explanation was so brief that he ended up having to kill another 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
Seal- “Kiss from a Rose”
There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that’s the high and not the pill.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen.
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.
Now, I have a graduate degree in English. I’ve written many, many a bullshit essay on contemporary poems that don’t even appear to be written in English. But I have absolutely zero idea what Seal is talking about here. I’m picturing him standing in a graveyard with his eyes all bugged out. In the snow. Am I missing something? Lyrics fail.
Backstreet Boys- “Everybody”
Rock your body, yeah
Rock your body right
Backstreet’s back, alright
Oh my God, we’re back again
Brothers, sisters, everybody sing
Gonna bring the flavor, show you how
Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Am I sexual?
Am I everything you need?
You better rock your body now
…This album sold over 32 million copies worldwide. We should all kill ourselves.
Manfred Mann- “Blinded by the Light”
Blinded by the light,
revved up like a deuce,
another runner in the night
Madman drummers bummers,
Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat
In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat
With a boulder on my shoulder,
feelin’ kinda older,
I tripped the merry-go-round
With this very unpleasin’,
sneezin’ and wheezin,
the calliope crashed to the ground
But she was…
Blinded by the light,
revved up like a deuce,
another runner in the night…
I’m sorry, Manfred Mann. Your lyrics are so non-sensical that the majority of the world thinks that “revved up like a deuce” is actually “wrapped up like a douche,” and honestly, does it matter which is which? Your version doesn’t make any more sense than ours.
Timbaland- “The Way I Are”
I ain’t got no money
I ain’t got no car to take you on a date
I can’t even buy you flowers
But together we could be the perfect soulmates
Talk to me girl
Baby if you strip, you can get a tip
‘Cause I like you just the way you are
I’m about to strip, and I want it quick
Can you handle me the way I are?
You don’t needs the cheese or the car keys
Girl I like you just the way you are
Let me see you strip, you can get a tip
‘Cause I like yah, like yah, like yah, like yah
Timbaland really knows how to sweep a girl off her feet with this grammatical failure of a song that seems to be saying, “I like you so much as a person that I’ll tip you if you strip for me.” Uh… where do I sign up?
Billy Ray Cyrus- “Achy Breaky Heart”
You can tell my arms:
Go back into the farm!
You can tell my feet
to hit the floor.
You can tell my lips
to tell my fingertips,
they won’t be reaching out
for you no more.
But don’t tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart,
I just don’t think he’d understand.
And if you tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart,
he might blow up and kill this man!
…All I can say is that I wish your achy breaky heart would blow up and kill me every time I hear this song, Billy Ray Cyrus.
This country is so chock full of lyrical geniuses that I continue to be surprised when new artists are able to top those that came before them. Who are some of your faves?