Rehab for Cheaters

5 04 2010

You know what’s stupid?  Cheating on your celebrity wife with numerous hookers and strippers, getting caught, and then checking yourself into a sex rehab in rural Arizona as a last-ditch attempt to save your “marriage” (public image).

David Duchovny did it.  Tiger Woods did it. And now Sandra Bullock’s future ex-husband Jesse James is doing it.

I love how celebrities feel like the rules of morality and fidelity don’t apply to them because they’re rich and famous, but then when they get caught, they blame it on some compulsive psychological disorder that’s beyond their control to deflect blame.  I couldn’t help it, Sandra– I saw that stripper with tattoo sleeves and my medically-diagnosed sex addiction reared its ugly head.  It was all I could do to get a condom on before the crippling psychosis took hold of my brain. Don’t worry, all I need is a few days of talking about my feelings in a posh rehabilitation facility and I will forget how easy it is to cheat on you, I swear.

Give me a break.  Going to sex rehab when you cheat on your wife is akin to pleading insanity in court after getting arrested for a DUI.  What do they even do in sex rehab?  Show you pictures of your grandmother and movies about baseball to get your mind off that barista with eight face piercings that was eyeing you the other day?

Imagine being able to check yourself into a luxurious rehab facility for all of your personal vices.  I’d be in rehab for addiction to food products that contain high fructose corn syrup, for my acute psychological tendency to park too close to fire hydrants, and for this rare disorder that causes me to compulsively lie to people about being too busy to hang out when in actuality I am on my couch watching “Teen Mom” marathons.

Celebs need to grow up and face the music.  Apologize to your wife and try to keep it in your pants. End of discussion.




5 responses

5 04 2010
Edward Dandyhands

Please see Southpark episode 1, season 14, titled “Sexual Healing”

(Not available for viewing until 04-17-2010, but this will answer any/all questions in this blog post)

5 04 2010

Good article LB. My comment ?? Tiger doesnt need sex rehab – he just needs to keep his eye on the holes in the golf course. Those are the only holes he needs to sink his “putt” into.

5 04 2010

I think divorce is probably a good option for the spouses affected by these behaviors, but I also think it is problematic to use the word ‘vice’ in association with decisions concerning biological imperatives. Similar to eating, it is very difficult to not follow up on something that part of your brain is telling you to do. Don’t we all have trouble not cheating on diets, or breaking rules regarding seconds? Well, no ones feelings are hurt then. And we can blame our affluent society and gov’t subsidized corn syrup for making them available (See Fast Food Nation or Omnivore’s Dilemma). But who do we blame when the entertainment industry creates sex symbols, who then have their pick of willing fans? It’s a tough position to be in, and I think its a little too easy to say its just a matter of will power. Unqualified, it was eating and fucking that made each and every generation of our ancestors. What they ate and who they fucked didn’t matter than much.
I’m not defending it, and spouses should leave cheaters, but I think there are deep biological and cultural issues that Mulder’s power of will is being asked to fight.

5 04 2010

Women have always had their “pick of willing fans” and manage to resist the advances and temptations with will power. “Deep biological and cultural issues” sounds like an excuse to me.

6 04 2010

I didn’t actually write that it was only men who have a problem with this, because women cheat too. If women have extra will power, then why are there women with alcoholism, drug addiction, or not at the weight they’d like to be at? Why don’t they use all this will power on those problems? Because they don’t have it. There are deeper issues at work. I’m not saying people shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions, I’m saying it helps to understand what drives people biologically and to recognize that certain situations give rise to greater temptation.

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