Come Here, Let Me Ultrasound Your Balls.

12 05 2010

Great news for women: University of North Carolina experts believe a blast of ultrasound to the testes can safely stop sperm production for six months.  The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is funding their research, which could produce the first safe, effective form of male birth control on the market.

Now, I know many men are going to read this and think, Oh hell no. Even the ability to be infertile for six months isn’t worth a doctor “blasting” anything at my testes.  But you know what?  I think it would be kinda nice for the burden of birth control to fall on men for a change.  Many of us have to take a pill every day that makes some of our lady parts non-functional, and those pills are not only expensive, but they can have a wide range of side effects.  Maybe we could set up some sort of a system where we rotate– you blast the sperm out of your balls for 6 months, and in return, we will take the pill for the next 6 months.  Sound good?

My only problem with this whole sperm-blasting ultrasound idea is that, in my imagination, sperm + radiation = two-headed, eight-limbed babies.  And who wants to be a guinea pig for a study like that?

I nominate Tiger Woods.

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12 responses

12 05 2010
bros

oh hell yah.

I share the same circum(cision)spection with regard to ultrasound though. there is a long term study going on at yale looking at the link between ultrasounds and autism. I mean, this is what can mess up a whales navigation and communication system so they beach themselves, so I am very suspicious of blasting a fetus with sound waves all the time for this view and that view. However, that is a fetus, not spermatozoa, so I dont know. it cant be nearly as bad as taking a daily dose of hormones. not at all. I would volunteer to have my eggs ultrasounded into submission and to stay where they belong if that were offered to me, so why shouldnt men. this isnt even chemical. it wont make them emotional crazies, it wont decrease sex drive, it cant be taken late, it cant give you a pulmonary embolism or stroke, it cant be forgotten. it sounds so f’ing EASY comparatively.

12 05 2010
Phelps

They addressed radiation to the balls on South Park a few weeks ago.

12 05 2010
PHL

Aren’t two of the “side effects” of the pill bigger boobs and acne reduction…. Curious if you can name some of the bad effects of the pill. Just to enlighten myself.

12 05 2010
geof

Sure, a fair trade. Guys should be 50% responsible for birth control

@ PHL
Google two things:
1) side effects of birth control pills
2) use of reflexive pronouns

12 05 2010
bros

best response ever.

12 05 2010
womanofNL

Phil,

Have you been watching too many BC commercials? When I sit around with my friends on the roof of some lavish NYC hotel sipping cosmos, generally our conversation about birth control sounds something like this:
Girl 1: I used the Nuva Ring and had crippling panic attacks.
Girl 2: I used Yasmin and threw up for three days straight.
Girl 3: I forgot to take my pill and had to pay $50 for the morning after pill.
Girl 4 (the Medical Doctor disclaimer): You all also weigh about 10 lbs more than you would were you not on the pill, but it’s cool because this includes boob weight.

I’m just kidding about the “but it’s cool part.”

Tell me, how is that AXE bodywash working out for you? I feel like they probably got you on that one too.

12 05 2010
districtramblings

LOL. amen sista.

12 05 2010
cb

Good blog DR, but that picture’s grossing me out. I’m going to have nightmares tonight about giant skinned male-parts.

12 05 2010
Caits

I nominate Li’l Wayne.
By all means if men want to jump on the birth control bandwagon, they can go right ahead. This doesn’t mean I’m going to be stopping the pill, though. I’ve been lucky enough to have a totally easy time on it, and since men aren’t the ones strapped with the consequences of a rogue spermatazoa, it seems responsible for women to keep the ball in their court if possible.

13 05 2010
rockymtnhigh

ah yes. my significant other and I had this conversation this evening while walking the dog. She asked if I was willing to get my ball sack pounded by radio waves. I responded with an affirmative “I don’t think so” and qualified it further by saying what are the long term affects of having your balls blasted by radiowaves every 6 months. So this brought along a short discussion about the side affects of knowing what 40 years of female birth control has wrought upon society and the side affects of pumping hormones into ladies bodies.

Tongue-in-cheek Side affects may included:
Women’s Lib
Bra burning
Pursuit of a career
40 year old plus first time mothers
Suppressed libido
PMS with less mess

Not to mention the explosion of girls reaching sexual maturity at younger and younger ages, while boys are suffering from under-developed testes and exhibiting signs of being metrosexual, while all the male smallmouth bass in the Potomac are intersexed because of exposure in the drinking water to all the estrogen that the ladies pee out from taking BC.

Thanks Ladies!

So I suggest instead of bombarding my testicles with a big radio wand,
we just try condoms. Good old fashioned condoms. Just as effective as the pill and 6 months of sperm-shock therapy at a fraction of the cost. And my future kids won’t resemble the Toxic Avenger.

13 05 2010
Gabriel

Ummm…you don’t have to take birth control hormones in order to not have babies–just don’t have sex. (That’s a sure fire way to avoid unwanted pregnancies.)
(Or, if you NEED to have sex, then–like the rocky mountain man said–use some second skin.)

And, though I don’t blame you for thinking you know what Men would want blasted at their testes (you not being a man) but I think that would be AWESOME!! No condoms…HURRAHH!!! (::think bells ringing, people doing spontaneously coreographed dance routines in pharmacies all over the country, a few cute little dogs yipping and jumping really high in the air, etc.::) AAANNNNDDD…your woman friend doesn’t act like a maniac because of the crazy hormones that she pumps into herself. AAANNNDD…I would get to have a 4 armed baby that could play piano duets by themself–AMAZING!
(Oh, regarding side effects: bullshit…testicles can handle a few million microwaves, shit–cell phones do that already if you carry them in your pants pocket. NO worries.)
(For real…sign me up.)

13 05 2010
Vjane

Caits says “it seems responsible for women to keep the ball in their court if possible.” But what if the ball rolls over to the men’s court – the men would then have 3 balls Rather inconvenient, I should say.

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