I’m Sorry, But This Is Deeply Upsetting.

25 01 2011

This is an actual shirt being sold by Wet Seal. I know this because, after seeing the post on Jezebel about it, I checked the online store. And indeed, the description of the shirt reads:

“Fun and trendy tunic features a contrast body, screen printed ‘If your single, then so am I’ on front, short sleeves and a scoop neckline.”

Uhhhhh….. Are you serious, Wet Seal? I’m actually upset over here. The tears are welling up. I feel like you just scratched your pointy, jewel-encrusted acrylic nails down the chalkboard of my tainted heart.

I mean, I know Wet Seal is not exactly a bastion of classy sportswear, but I’m pretty sure the “Your Single tunic” is actively making the youth of America dumber. AND sluttier. If I were a dude and I saw a girl approaching me on the street in this shirt, no matter how many decades it had been since I got laid, I would find the nearest Cracker Jack box, jam in my fist, pull out the plastic ring and shove it on my left hand so fast the friction would burn my flesh.

How many layers of corporate executives had to approve this POS before it made its way out of the idiot factory and into my personal shopping space? You people need to lay off the paint-chip sandwiches and invest in some Hooked on Phonics for shit’s sake. It worked for me.


My First Apple Pie

18 01 2011

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to give birth to a really ugly baby. I know I’d still love the baby, obviously, but would I realize it was ugly, being overwhelmed with all the new mommy emotions? And if I did realize it was ugly, would I feel embarrassed about introducing it to other people and having to sit through their obligatory gushings over how cute it is when I know they think it’s ugly?

Well, I didn’t give birth to a baby this evening, unfortunately, so I can’t answer that question for anyone. But I did make my first apple pie from scratch, and man did it turn out ugly! In addition to not having enough dough to stretch all the way over the top of it, I didn’t have one of those brushes to brush the raw egg onto, so I just kinda plopped it on there with a fork and moved it around a little. In the end, the egg drippage and ill-fitting crust make for a mighty heinous looking pie, but don’t let that fool you. It tastes so delicious. In fact, it tastes better than skinny feels, so even Kate Moss can eat it.

Here’s a pictorial of the final stretch:

Assistant apple chopper, sampling the filling.

Holding my hideous, sweet-smelling pie, fresh out of the oven.

Kissing my newborn pie. Isn't she adorable, minus the disturbing egg drippage?

Uh oh, got excited and sliced in too soon!


Assistant chopper/pie elitist, visibly disappointed by her slice.

Admittedly, there were some adhesion issues.

Mmm, homemade apple pie with a baked egg film!  It almost feels like I gave birth to a really ugly baby, but I’m just so beaming and proud of the damn thing that I don’t care what anyone thinks.

Blue Valentine

12 01 2011

Last night I dragged one of my favorite man-friends kicking and screaming to see Blue Valentine, an incredibly depressing movie starring Ryan Gosling about the slow, agonizing disintegration of a marriage. Ok, honestly, he was not kicking or screaming, I’m just saying that to protect his dignity.

I felt bad that he had trudged straight from the gym through the snow and sleet to see this movie with me, so I bought his ticket. We sat down in the theatre, and the credits started rolling.

Him (craning his head around): I think I am the only dude in here.

Me:  Yes, but you shouldn’t be discouraged by that.

Him:  Am I supposed to do something if you start crying?

Me: Like what?

Him: I dunno, like, put my arm around you or something?

Me:  No. Stop talking.

Him: If I start crying, will you put your arm around me?

Me:  Are you being serious right now?

Fortunately, the movie started, and the movie ended, and neither of us cried.

But for the record, it was a really brilliant and heartbreaking film, the performances by Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams were incredible, and I highly recommend it to everyone [who is not imminently considering or approaching marriage].

Pot: The Real Culprit In The Arizona Shootings

10 01 2011

Jared Loughner, belligerent stoner-assassin extraordinaire.

As his contribution to the epic blame-game following the Arizona massacre, conservative pundit David Frum has brilliantly pointed out what all of us were thinking, but just not saying: 22-year-old Jared Loughner went on a shooting rampage because he was stoned.

Frum writes:

After horrific shootings, we hear calls for stricter regulation of guns. The Tucson shooting should remind us why we regulate marijuana.

Jared Lee Loughner, the man held as the Tucson shooter, has been described by those who know as a “pot smoking loner.”

He had two encounters with the law, one for possession of drug paraphanalia.

We are also learning that Loughner exhibited signs of severe mental illness, very likely schizophrenia.

The connection between marijuana and schizophrenia is both controversial and complicated. The raw association is strong:

  • Schizophrenics are twice as likely to smoke marijuana as non-schizophrenics.
  • People who smoke marijuana are twice as likely to develop schizophrenia as those who do not smoke.

But is correlation causation?

Increasingly experts seem to be saying: “Yes.”

Yes, Frum. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t come up with it first.  Despite the fact that guns are currently legal in Arizona and marijuana is not, that Loughner reportedly gave up drugs entirely more than a year before the shootings, and that marijuana is an incredibly, profoundly demotivating drug, I find it extremely likely that Lougher’s past experiences with pot smoking played a larger role in causing him to mass murder people than the fact that he is an anti-semitic, mentally ill white supremacist with easy access to semiautomatic weapons.

In fact, the last time I smoked pot, I distinctly remember thinking to myself: You know what would be hilarious and awesome? If I went and bought a machine gun right now and sprayed bullets into the heads of all the asshole politicians out there.

Then I got up from the couch, walked over to the kitchen, found a half-empty bag of cheese puffs, returned to the couch, ate them, and listened to Dark Side of the Moon in my imagination.

But that’s just me. Jared Loughner, who is being portrayed as a “left-wing pothead” by the right-wing media (because that makes a ton of sense, considering that he violently assassinated one of the only moderately liberal politicians in his wildly conservative state), probably had a very different reaction to that spliff he smoked back in 1999 than anyone else on the planet has ever experienced, and it would be irresponsible of us to misdirect our attention toward the pr0blem of easy-access guns and violent rhetoric while all these belligerent stoner-assassins continue to be allowed to freely roam the Southwest, plucking their musty bounty of chronic from the bushes along the Mexican border.