Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life. After returning to D.C. on Sunday from the emotionally draining funeral of an old friend, I screwed up badly on a crucial day at work, my credit card information was stolen and used to buy gas and groceries in Florida, a woman I wrote about sent me about 25 emails threatening to sue me, my team lost our volleyball game that would have qualified us for playoffs and my train to NYC Friday afternoon was over two hours delayed.
Then Sunday night, after I had returned from New York and was just starting to feel ever so slightly less crappy about my life, I received a drunken phone call from a very old friend whom I haven’t seen in almost a year.
“Laura,” he said, loudly and slurring into the phone, “I just want you to know”… **sound of something crashing in the background**…”that you are the only girl in the universe that I would never have sex with.”
I hung up.
He called back.
“Okay, that came out wrong,” he said. “What I meant to say is, you’re my best girl friend, and if we’re 40 and still not married, promise you’ll marry me!”
“What??” I said. “Dude. No.”
“I’m serious though. When we’re 40. I’ll buy you the biggest diamond I can find.”
…Because that’s exactly what I hope to have when I’m 40: a big, useless diamond and a husband who told me when I was 27 and still relatively hot that he would rather sleep with any other woman in the world than with me. Fan me, I’m swooning.
I swear, if I had a nickel for every time a guy told me he wanted to marry me when I’m 40 and pushing menopause, I’d have like, at least 15 cents. Do I have a “WIFE” sign on my forehead that’s so big it makes men want to skip over all the good stuff, where you go on dates and get salad dressing on your face and then nervously wipe your mouth the rest of the night until your skin gets all chapped? Why would you ever want to go straight from platonic friendship to marriage? I would seriously rather poke myself in the eyeball with Tara Reid’s severed toe.
I honestly think men have a lot more problems than women do trying to sort out their feelings for the women they want to be friends with versus the women they want to have sex with versus the women they want to date, and I wish that schools would offer some kind of seminar for that in junior high. I’ve already got a multiple choice question for the final exam:
34. In order to have a successful, long-term romantic relationship with a woman, you need to be
A) Sexually attracted to her
B) Close friends with her
C) Satisfied with her cooking/cleaning skills
D) A and B, but not C
E) A and C, but not B
F) All of the above
I swear, at least 80% of the male junior high population would fail this test, and at least 50% of the male adult population. So I’m gonna spell it out for you guys. There are four kinds of compatibility you can have with a person: social, emotional, intellectual, and physical. Any combination of the first three without the last is friendship, and if any of the first three is missing, your relationship is probably not gonna work out. You must have all four.